We’ve all had difficult people in our lives at one point or another. The list often includes bosses, co-workers, direct reports in the workplace and/or in-laws, customer service professionals, spouses and children in our personal lives. When we think of difficult people, we often think of others. But have you ever considered that at some point, you were probably someone else’s difficult person? Why were you being difficult? It’s often because we are trying to get a need met. We tend to label people as “difficult” when they aren’t seeing things our way, disagreeing with us, or making things more challenging (from our perspective). But have you ever considered flipping that entire idea around and giving it a different name? Instead, what if we encouraged people to disagree with us, question our thinking and make things (seemingly) more challenging? What would that mean for us as workplace learning/ talent development professionals and as leaders?

A wise person told me once that “difficult people are simply your teachers.” Admittedly, there are times when that perspective was really hard for me to swallow because I was wrapped up in the emotions of it all. It can be exhausting or even ego-threatening to be challenged, argued with and told our way of thinking isn’t shared by others. Then, we have a “fight or flight” reaction by either avoiding/ ignoring them, or challenging them to the fight, which only results in strained relationships or a power struggle. It’s certainly easier to surround ourselves with people who are similar to us - they understand us, validate who we are, make us more comfortable. They help us feel more secure and make us believe we have solid footing when we are trying to make big changes, get things done or embark on risky new projects. But when you reflect on some of the best leaders you’ve ever known, were they people who surrounded themselves with like-minded individuals, or did they surround themselves with seemingly “difficult” people whom challenged their thinking? The most successful leaders are the ones whom view difficult people as teachers and as a result are willing to change direction. And if an actual change of direction isn’t observed often enough, others will lose faith in your ability to truly listen and lead. 

Ho do you react when someone is behaving in a way that appears to be “difficult”? Do you view difficult people as teachers and the situation as an opportunity for you to learn something? I’d love to hear your difficult people stories and the lessons you’ve learned from them. 

Write me at: president@atdpugetsound.org.

Listen with curiosity. Shift paradigms. Be brave and lead.

Warmly,

Nicole Forward
President